Classified Dossier — Institute for Curated Absurdity
The Squirrel Clan
Order of Meeskers — Keeper of the Acorns
Clan Motto: Leap Fearlessly. Snack Honorably. Hide Strategically.
Official Status
Allied Faction
Loyalty
Uncertain
Known HQ
The Big Tree
Actual HQ
Classified
Known Personnel
All intelligence gathered through Cedar's ongoing reconnaissance operations. Accuracy not guaranteed. Cedar's accuracy is never guaranteed.
Grand Master Meeskers
Supreme Leader of the Squirrel Clan
- —Keeper of the Acorns
- —First Tail of the Order
- —Master of Rooftop Transit
- —Ninth Degree Nut-Fu Practitioner
Rumored to have completed the legendary training known as The Thousand Leap Path of Reckless Confidence. No records have been found to verify this claim.
Sir Zeddie
Senior Scout
- —Specialist in Fence Navigation
- —Collector of Shiny Things
Sir Ralph
Quartermaster
- —Acorn Storage Logistics
- —Frequently Seen Carrying Objects Larger Than Himself
Dame Ginger
Diplomatic Corps
- —Expert in Garden Negotiations
- —Known to Accept Bribes in Sunflower Seeds
Fluffy
Heavy Cavalry Division
Maple
Tree Route Cartographer
Nix
Night Operations Specialist
Mr. Fluffs
Public Relations Officer
- —Possesses unusually convincing innocent expressions
Ed
Unknown Role
- —Nobody is entirely sure what Ed does.
- —Ed appears everywhere.
- —Ed never explains himself.
Mr. Snuggles
Clan Cook
- —Keeper of the Acorn Stew
- —Chief Baker of Suspiciously Tiny Pies
- —Responsible for feeding clan members before major operations
Poppy
Acorn Artillery Specialist
- —Director of Long-Range Nut Deployment
- —Ballistics Expert
- —Frequently involved in "training exercises" near feline observation posts
Kat
Clan Influencer
- —Public Relations and Image Management
- —Curator of The Acorn Times
- —Ensures all squirrels appear significantly more heroic than events warrant
Murray
Cavalry Division & Party Squirrel
- —Morale Officer
- —Organizer of Festivals, Acorn Harvest Celebrations, and Unscheduled Dancing
Murray's titles imply there is an entire squirrel military bureaucracy, and that someone eventually said: "Yes, but who is responsible for morale?" Everyone immediately pointed at Murray.
Neko
Spy Division
- —Intelligence Gathering Specialist
- —Covert Observation Unit
- —Master of Stealth and Reconnaissance
- —Expert in Acquiring Information Without Explaining How It Was Acquired
Neko's department has a reputation for answering questions with more questions. The Institute has been advised to stop asking where the squirrels get their information.
Rivals & Relations
Current diplomatic status as assessed by the Department of Household Risk Management. Subject to change without notice. Bob's status has not changed.
Allied. No incidents on record.
Allied. No incidents on record.
Allied. No incidents on record.
Head of Squirrel Reconnaissance. Both parties claim authority over squirrel intelligence operations. Neither side recognizes the other's authority.
Both parties claim authority over squirrel intelligence operations. Ongoing jurisdictional dispute.
The origins of this conflict are lost to history. No peace treaty currently exists.
Bob remains convinced squirrels are violating established food distribution protocols. The squirrels remain unconcerned.
Official Institute Assessment
The Institute classifies the Squirrel Clan as:
"A neighboring sovereign entity whose activities are under ongoing observation."
The Squirrel Clan classifies the Institute as:
"The People Who Accidentally Grow Snacks."
Organizational Infrastructure Assessment
The Institute for Curated Absurdity now contains enough combined infrastructure between the Feline Operations Division and the Squirrel Clan to accidentally qualify as a small nation-state.
Feline Operations
— Governance
— Oversight
— Territory Monitoring
— Logistics
Squirrel Clan
— Reconnaissance
— Cavalry
— Artillery
— Public Relations
— Culinary Services
— Intelligence
The Institute should probably stop asking where the squirrels get their information.
Neko's department has a reputation for answering questions with more questions.